A goddess is autonomous; she takes care of herself.

I have recently been thinking about the idea finding balance between being autonomous and taking care of myself.  At first, the relationship between the two may seem tenuous at best, but with further thought, there is a link that, for me, sometimes creates imbalance.  To be autonomous, I seek my own counsel.  When my own counsel advises that a third brownie is probably necessary to get through the rest of my evening of

watching an America's Next Top Model marathon, I know it's time to center myself and go further inward to tap into the core of me that isn't ruled by the cocoa bean.  While the struggle to find my inner voice and follow it is a reality for me, it's my job to find it and follow it.  That is about as autonomous as I can be.  No one else can really help me find my inner voice.  While this inner voice can be helpful in defining my needs and can prompt me to work on taking care of myself, this self-care is not always something I can do alone.

I find that I can swing from super-independent to super-needy, and much of this has to do with my self-talk around deserving and entitlement.

Self-care, from paying my bills to getting a mani-pedi (I had the most AMAZING mani-pedi last month in Brooklyn, by the way.  The lovely woman finished my fingernails and gave me a hot stone massage on my back while I waited for them to dry.  Heavenly!), I think it's important to not only take care of myself, but to also remind myself that I'm deserving of such self-care.  The action is important, of course, but the belief must be nurtured to make the actions sustainable.

Indeed, one of the areas I struggle most with is the idea of being deserving.  I know that these false beliefs are at the root of my getting "stuck", and this is something I work on regularly: telling myself that I am deserving of good things.  I deserve to be loved, I deserve to have nice things, I deserve appreciation.  The risk I run, however, is tipping out of balance in the other direction. I can go from feeling undeserving to feeling down right entitled in less time than it takes to chastise the barista for using low-fat milk instead of skim.  

As a middle-class American woman, it's easy to fall victim to the belief that I'm not good enough in ways that lead to this type of self-talk:

• Usually it's men who get "these" jobs.  I probably shouldn't even apply.
• I won't be taken seriously with the mechanic; I'd better bring my husband along.
• I don't want to assert myself too much in the meeting; I don't want to be considered pushy or bitchy.
• I need to lose 10 pounds...then I'll be ___________ (fill-in-the-blank) enough.

Likewise, as a middle-class American woman, it's easy to fall victim to the belief that I'm too good in ways that lead to this type of self-talk:

• I can't believe the doctor's office is making me wait 5 minutes for my appointment.  I will email a complaint while I'm waiting.
• Seriously? The Poland Springs Water bubbler is empty?  Am I supposed to drink tap water?  I'm calling my Union rep!
• The power has been out six hours, and the hurricane is pretty much out of here.  Doesn't the utility company know I need to update my Facebook page to let people know I'm okay!?
• Who does this pilot think he is making me put my phone on "Airplane mode"?

So there is a little balancing act that is always going on here.  I tend to gravitate toward either of these extremes when I, myself, am out of balance.  Whether I fall to the victim or the entitled version of myself depends on how upset I am. The more upset, the closer to the entitled version I go!  

When I can take a breath, a deep, deep breath, I can stay in the middle of these two extremes.  But it's often a challenge for me.  This requires awareness and a willingness to see myself as someone who is deserving. Someone who takes care of herself.  Someone who trusts herself to heed her own counsel.